When You Come To Understand Your Worth

When you come to understand your worth:

You’ll stop caring he chose her and know if he couldn’t see your worth back then, he still won’t see it now.

You’ll stop thinking about all the ways you weren’t enough for him and know he never would have been enough for you.

You’ll stop replaying all the things you could have and should have done better and know you never have to be more than you already are for someone to love you perfectly, now.

You’ll stop believing you need to strive for the perfect body just to earn his attention and approval and instead fall in love with the girl in the mirror, flaws and all.

You’ll stop wondering why he couldn’t see you and instead wonder what you ever saw in him.

You’ll know you are so much more now than you’d have ever been with him, anyway.

You’ll know you are everything worth loving, exactly as you are.

You’ll know you didn’t lose; he did.

Defeat Never Did Look Good On Me Anyway

This week is smashing me.

Illness, insomnia, chronic pain flare-up, emotional challenges. Dealing with lack of energy, motivation and focus, and finding myself struggling to achieve the things I need to this week.

It’s so easy to want to spiral into a negative mindset; to dwell in frustration and resentment over things I can’t control.

Instead, I’m choosing to still show up and kick arse. To push through, knowing I have the strength and resilience to overcome hard stuff. To keep going, knowing my survival rate is one hundred percent.

To not give up, knowing I’m so much more than what my bad days would have me believe.

Defeat never did look good on me anyway.

Mothers Day: We Never Really Fail, Even When We Think We Do

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I never planned to become a mother; at least, not in a tangible way. It was always likely to happen. At some point. In the future. Way down the track. But wasn’t even a blip on the radar when my husband and I took our first proper holiday, three years after we were married. We’d both been working two jobs with barely a day off between us; to say we needed the time away was a hilarious understatement.

We spent a week in the mountains. At least, I think there were mountains. There was alcohol – I know this because every day we drank our body weight in red wine; and then some. It didn’t occur to me until two weeks after we returned home that my period, which was due while away, hadn’t shown.

A week later when it still hadn’t arrived, I stared at two blue lines on a stick; horrified. “But how much did we drink while we were away?” I sobbed, convinced the baby I’d never anticipated to be in my womb at that time would be born with fetal alcohol syndrome.* I hadn’t even become a mother, and already I had failed.

 *said baby is a straight-A student, Grade 8 pianist and 3 times recipient of the Dux award – he turned out okay.

Three babies arrived into the world in the following six years; no more anticipated or planned than the first (we eventually worked out sex was the problem and promptly stopped having it) (kidding) (sort of). This is where I’d love to be able to say I transitioned into motherhood with grace and ease; instead, my rate of failure only increased with each child.

Like the time my second child climbed over the gate at the top of the stairs and landed wrongly as I was in the throes of both post-natal depression and making lunch and just. couldn’t. deal that day. I played down his tears with hollow reassurance: you’re okay, you’ll be fine, just eat some lunch and you’ll feel better. My husband arrived home later that afternoon and noted his lopsided angle. Maybe we should get him checked out. He had broken his collarbone.

Or the time I had to grab a few things at Camping World and left the store, busy and distracted, thinking I had four kids in tow, only to realise at some point the third one was missing. Where’s Aliandra? Confusion. Panic. Retrace steps. Stay calm. More panic. We found her back at Camping World – she had strayed too far behind as we’d walked out; the automatic doors had closed on her and, too short to activate the door sensors, she’d ended up trapped inside.

And then there was my fourth child who could barely walk yet managed to climb onto the table, momentarily, before landing headfirst onto the wooden floor below; her initial scream lasting less than a second before she blacked out and went limp in my arms and I was left with only the screaming in my own head: oh my god, she’s dead, she’s dead. The ten seconds it took for her to regain consciousness have never felt more like a lifetime. Ten years later, I’m still reeling.

My biggest failure, however, was believing these failures (and the million unmentioned others) defined me as a mother. That I wasn’t a just a mother who failed at times, like every mother, but that I was a failure. Enough so, that I could no longer fight against the inadequacy which overcame me.

Defeated, I walked away.

Everything in me at that time believed my family would be better off without me; that my husband was a far better father than I could ever be a mother. That I wasn’t competent enough or equipped enough or able enough. That I’d not been raised with the kind of mother who’d modelled how to parent well, so I could never be the kind of mother my children needed me to be.

I didn’t have a tribe or a village or a support network or anyone to tell me, this is normal. That failing as a mother is as much part of being a mother as anything else. That motherhood is a fucking hard gig and no matter how it may seem, all women feel like they are failing at times.

I needed someone to tell me this; to tell me how I would struggle with the isolation of being home all day with my kids; that no matter how desperate I was  to leave the house and actually see other real-life people, there would always be one sick or one sleeping or one who needed to be fed or one who would have a meltdown because they didn’t want to put their goddamn shoes on.

I needed someone to tell me how alone I would feel when I swapped an adult-filled world for Play School and the Alphabet Song and never-ending rounds of Go Fish; how small my world would become. How small I would become.

How I would lose all sense of identity and self-worth to days I couldn’t even find the energy to shower and dress; how when I eventually did manage to shower I would be too overwhelmed to do anything more than stand there and cry.

I needed to know there would be days where the loneliness would become too much. Days I would be too tired to pick up the dirty socks strewn around the house; too exhausted to put away one more toy or wash one more dish. Days I would be irritable and short-tempered with my kids and react too quickly and speak too harshly.

Days I would feel desperate to be left alone; to not be touched by another or have to speak to another or listen to another. Days I would barely hold my marriage together because of this. Days I would barely hold myself together because of this.

I needed to know there would be days I would fail.

But more so, that it was okay to fail. That failure didn’t define me; not as a mother and not as a woman. That every mother out there was failing and feeling inadequate and falling apart on the bathroom floor on the days it all seemed too much. I needed to know this is what being a mother is like; that for every good day there are even more bad days. That some days are little more than survival. But even then, we’re still enough.

Being a mother isn’t measured in success or failure, but in our ability to meet our children with unconditional love; regardless. It’s in the way we offer them acceptance, understanding, compassion, grace, forgiveness, support, guidance, comfort. The way we nurture them in the truth of who they are and cultivate in them the confidence to become all they’ve ever wanted to be. It’s in the way we show up, even when we don’t know how.

It’s in the way everything they become is because of everything we are.

Even on the days we fail.

Tonight, my children sit around the dinner table; there is talk about their day, the usual ribbing of one another, much laughter. These days, being a mother is less struggle and more heart-in-throat as they begin navigate the world themselves. Days that never seemed to end become years which go by too fast; I am all too aware of how numbered my days are with four of them under my roof. Greedily, I soak in this moment, willing it to stay.

I needed someone to tell me we never really fail, even when we think we do.

Article originally published at whimn.com.au

I Don’t Stand on Stage Because I Know How to be Brave, But Because I Got Tired of Being Afraid

There are these moments on stage where I have to close my eyes for a second and summon the courage to keep going.

Being vulnerable isn’t something that comes easily to me; sharing so much of myself with a room full of people I have just met.

Offering the things I am sometimes still scared of: my brokenness, my failures, my ugliness, my fragility, the messiest versions of who I have been and often still am.

It can be daunting, and terrifying, and sometimes more than I feel able to do.

I don’t stand on stage to perform; but to tell stories.

To share of blood shed on the battlefields of my healing and knees still scraped from the crawl and how I am made of wounds but still standing and how every scar etched on my skin reminds me what a goddamn warrior I am to have made it this far.

I don’t stand on stage to be set apart by a mic, but to be drawn together because of it.

To practice courage, knowing when I do, it offers that same courage to others. It gives permission. It creates space. It allows authenticity. It brings belonging and intimacy to a world overfed on information yet starved of connection.

I don’t stand on stage because I know how to be brave, but because I got tired of being afraid.

Our stories are our history. Our legacy. Our humanity. Our connection.

They matter.

Sharing them requires the courage to be vulnerable.

But what makes us most vulnerable is where we become most beautiful.

“The speaking will get easier. And you will find you have fallen in love with your own vision, which you may never have realised you had. And you will lose some friends and lovers and realise you don’t miss them. And new ones will find you and cherish you. And at last you’ll know with surpassing certainty that only one thing is more frightening than speaking your truth. And that is not speaking.” – Audre Lorde

Photo credit: Brendan Bonsack

Easter Thoughts

Whatever you believe, the Easter message is one of resurrection; new life, being made new, believing we are not nailed to the crosses of our past. It is courage to overcome and strength to persevere; hope for tomorrow amidst an insurmountable today. It is the assurance that every breath is a new beginning; the outcome of our story not predetermined. We rise and walk in the light and truth of all we are knowing mercy triumphs, grace abounds and love wins.

Happy Easter x

The Art of Taking Up Space

This week has been less work and more yoga; a gentle coming back to myself. Connecting breath to body, body to mind. Being still, and present. Remembering my worth beyond productivity and performance. Working through blockages. Making changes where I can. Finding acceptance and peace where I cannot.

The thing that continued to come up this week was our worth: how we either play small, or strive and compete to be seen. How both of these things are disempowering, and exhausting.

In a world where we are conditioned to remain small, yoga reminds us to take up space. We weren’t created to contain ourselves inside the expectations of others, or inside the walls of our own fears and inadequacies. We do not need to shrink ourselves to be accepted; to remain compliant and submissive to keep those around us comfortable and unthreatened.

However, we also do not need to force our worth upon others; to push and shove and elbow our way through the crowd to be seen. We do not need to yell the loudest to be heard. We do not need to compete with others, to strive to be better than those around us so our worth is seen and acknowledged.

I have always been more inclined to shrink; to believe I am not enough. The last while, I have felt small. So incredibly small. Through yoga, I am reminded to create space — to stretch beyond the limits of what I believe I am capable of.

As I inhale space and exhale surrender, I am reminded this is how we learn to take up more space in the world: every day we breathe a little deeper and stretch a little longer and push a little further against the constraints of our society, of expectations, of ourselves.

We already stand inside the space we have been given. One we do not have to shrink to fit inside. But also one we do not need to be afraid to fill. We learn to take up more space as we learn to stretch into the bold and sure truth of our existence.

Happy weekend x

(Also, someone come clean my windows, thx)

When The Threads Of Our Healing Become Loose

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I’ve not been myself in the last while.

I can always tell when something needs dealing with by how adamantly I avoid the page — I couldn’t tell you the last time I wrote. Really wrote. Writing is confronting; if you choose to write without filter, to write from the naked marrow of your bones, there becomes nowhere left to hide from yourself.

It’s not an easy thing to stare oneself in the eye, yet necessary if we are to endure growth in all its disquieting elements. The act of writing exposes us. But such as a band-aid torn from our skin — callous, often ruthless — we cannot heal if we deny ourselves the necessary divulgence to light.

I pull at the threads of my healing.

The words spill out at 5am, tumble onto the ravine of my page and are dragged along with currents of jumbled thought; unnoticed. Only later, as my hands dig through soil while condensation from my breath mingles with dense Autumn fog, does this line snare in my mind, demanding to be examined. Such is the enigma of morning pages — that it is not our role to scrutinize or appraise our words, merely to write, uncensored, and allow our subconscious to bring to our attention that which it gleans important in its own time.

If you’d have asked me in the last while what was wrong, I’d have said nothing. Busy, I’ve been unaware of how much the last few weeks have affected me. Though I have written articles surrounding triggers leading to disassociation, it has been from an intellectual point of view — standing back from a distance and observing the process in motion, those thoughts not amalgamating with my own sense of real-time experience.

I hadn’t realised the permanent numbness of which I had been existing. The means of avoidance. The utilisation of distraction. The unhealthy coping strategies that had sidled in through the crack of the door when I wasn’t looking. I hadn’t realised I had ceased existing and was merely functioning, at best.

But this is what disassociation does. It covers our eyes, smothers us in a heavy blanket of bleak nothingness; we grasp it over ourselves because we cannot deal with the rawness of our pain and our emotions and our triggers and our lives. We are satiated by the weight of its suppression, mainline its apathy into our veins like the addicts we pretend not to be.

What we fail to see is how soul-destroying this extreme state of nothing is; how withered we become from lack of emotion and lack of connection to both ourselves and others. We realise too late the blanket has become too heavy; our lungs collapse as we struggle for air, terrified we will never breathe again. Terrified we will never feel again.

The pendulum swings.

I pull at the threads of my healing.

We pull at the threads of our healing because we know beneath those seams lays waste to a treasure chest of pain, destruction, affliction. We know it will cause us to hurt. We know it will cause us to feel. But we are ravenous for sentience; desperate and hungry to feel. Something. Anything other than the aching nothing that has consumed us to the core.

We pull at the threads of our healing with the restless, anxious hands we would prefer were occupied with a bottle or a lover or the lever of a slot machine; attempt instead to maintain a facade of fine as we battle against the temptation of our vices and carry on with our day-to-day lives even as the stitches fall away and our decomposed past drips onto the floor next to our feet.

We pull at the threads of our healing as emotional self-harm in contrast to physical self-harm. Systematically, we damage and sabotage our lives instead of our bodies — become careless and reckless with our choices, with other people, with ourselves; desperate for an outcome that will de-fibrillate the unresponsiveness of our existence.

We pull at the threads of our healing until, terrified of the wreckage we hold within our hands, we shove all that feeling back within us and pray to God the thread hasn’t frayed so much it no longer holds our destruction intact; left searching once more for the elusive middle ground.

This ongoing pendulum swing between feeling nothing and everything is difficult to navigate. Some days we step back into places we have come from and feel we have failed, again. Our healing will never be linear. And it’s impossible to measure our healing by how far we have come when the trail of footprints left behind us is haphazard and disorderly.

But there is an implicit difference in whether we choose to work through our destructive patterns, or spiral into them. How long we choose to dwell, or not dwell, in our reasons and excuses is what defines how far we have come. How long we choose to justify our actions as opposed to taking action. It is here, in this difference, our healing is measured, even when the thread becomes loose.

We tie the ends, and carry on.

Pretence: An Attempt To Make Something That Is Not The Case Appear True

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Cursed with the hands of an explorer,
I am persuaded by eyes as dark as caves,
always intrigued by the burial ground of people’s hearts.
I have become a professional in the archeology of pretence –
raised with dirt beneath my fingernails
I cannot help but dig for evidence beneath earth,
intention beneath word;
pick at meaning until it bleeds
then blame the wasteland for the flies.
He asks if I’m alone but not if I’m okay.
Letters fall from his tongue like charms of a bracelet;
I excavate truth not in the words he speaks,
but the emptiness between.
Pretence: An attempt to make something
that is not the case appear true.
Forgive me for wasting your time,
and mine.
I thought there would be more to find here.
I had forgotten how caves are nothing more
than vacant spaces
another would desire us to fill,
all the while left hollow ourselves.

© Kathy Parker 2019

The Silent Retraumatisation of Sexual Abuse Victims We Don’t Talk About Enough

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“There is nothing untoward in his examination yet I am not in control and this touch is not wanted and it’s too much and I am unclothed and vulnerable and overwhelmed with triggers and the only escape I have in that moment is disassociation.
 
The switch flips; in less than one second I am mentally and emotionally no longer present, retraumatised by a simple and routine medical procedure deemed necessary to potentially save my life.
 
It takes me weeks to recover and find my way back to myself again.
 
Two years later, a reminder letter comes in the mail.
 
I throw it in the bin.”
 

I don’t often publish my articles on my blog, but I want to share this one with you today.

Having a Pap smear is an uncomfortable moment for most women. For survivors of childhood sexual abuse, it’s nothing less than traumatic.

There is not enough help or support for those in this situation, with three out of four women denying themselves life-saving care because the fear of being retraumatised is greater than the fear of cervical cancer.

There needs to be more discussion, more awareness, more understanding, and more care for both victims of sexual abuse and violence and the people who care for them.

This article was incredibly difficult to write, but needs to be read.

Full article over at 10 daily today, link below x

Why A Routine Trip To The GP Leaves Me Mentally And Emotionally Shaken

 

#IWD2019

May we be women who do not judge the way another woman walks when we have not seen the dirt on her knees.

Who do not push another woman out of her lane when we are running the same race.

Who do not compete against another woman but cheer her on instead.

Who remind another woman of how kick arse she is when she has forgotten herself.

May we be these women, and may we raise them.

“As for my girls, I’ll raise them to think they breathe fire” ~ Jessica Kirkland.

Shout out to all the incredible women in my life; the mentors, the nurturers, the warriors.

The ones who have shown me everything it means to be a woman ❤️

#IWD2019