This Was My First Week Back As A Freelancer. I Achieved Nothing.

This week was my first proper week back as a self-employed, working from home writer/freelancer.

I achieved almost nothing.

Past me would have struggled so much with this; with feeling inadequate and ashamed of my lack of achievement. With feeling like a complete failure. I used to base my entire worth on what I did or didn’t accomplish each day. Would never stop until everything was done, no matter how exhausted I was. I was a slave to perfectionism and if things weren’t done perfectly, they weren’t good enough.

*I* wasn’t good enough.

So much of that thinking was steeped in shame. I truly believed I wasn’t a worthy person because of what I had been through and the trauma I had suffered.I believed it made me someone who was “less than”, and it was only a matter of time before everyone else discovered this too – and that maybe, if I could just keep up the facade of being perfect and productive long enough, no one would ever find out the truth about me.

There were people in my life at that time who made me feel this way about myself, but mostly it was a belief system I had internalised – one that cultivated in self-destruction before I was finally able to get beyond my internalised shame enough to get help to work through these false beliefs and discover my worthiness. A worthiness that I do not have to fight for, or work for, or prove.

I am worthy simply because I exist.

This week there has been moments of frustration and struggle and a resurfacing of some of these old feelings. Working for yourself can be challenging in many ways, and I will always find it hard on the weeks my reality doesn’t live up to my expectation.

But working for myself also allows me the opportunity to recognise my limitations. To accept I’m feeling tired, restless, unanchored, not quite ready to settle into a work schedule after such a hectic summer and life in general remaining in a state of unrest. To take whatever time I need. To listen to my mind and body and honour my needs.

To know that no matter what gets done, or how much is left undone, I am always enough x

I See You, Fellow Warrior

“You deserve to celebrate not only who you’ve become, but who you could’ve become and fought not to.”

Read this sentence again.

You deserve to celebrate not only who you’ve become, but WHO YOU COULD’VE BECOME AND FOUGHT NOT TO.

We don’t think about this often enough.

We don’t think how much it has taken for those of us who came from dysfunctional or neglectful or abusive upbringings to not become a product of the environment we grew up in.

We don’t think about how much easier it would have been to follow the examples we were set; how much less exhausting it would have been to not have to do the work of change. To not have to fight so goddamn hard with everything in us to be the ones to break cycles, to end generational curses, to leave a better legacy than was left for us.

To be the history changers. The history makers.

Not many people know what it has taken. They have not seen the dark days. The hard days. The days you have wept. The days you have crawled. The days it has all been too much. The days you have wanted to give up; to give in to the easy, to the familiar, to the path of least resistance.

The days you have fought the days you have fought the days you have fought.

Warrior, take a moment to celebrate everything you have fought so hard not to become. Everything you CHOSE not to become — because it didn’t just happen; you had to MAKE the choice to fight for the person you are; for the life you wanted and for the legacy you will now leave.

And you did.

You made the choice to do the work. And maybe nobody will ever know what it has taken; what it has cost you. But you know. And you deserve to acknowledge that, honour that, and celebrate that.

I see you, fellow warrior. And I’m so damn proud of you x

And Still, We Write. And So, We Write.

Today is my last day with Writers SA. Feeling all the feels. I never thought when I started this job five months ago — a job I have dearly loved and will greatly miss — I would be leaving so soon, but such seems to be the fallout of pandemic life.

In my farewell email to the Writers SA community I quoted this poem by Amanda Gorman from her poetry collection, Call Us What We Carry:

“What we have lived
Remains indecipherable.
& yet we remain.
& still, we write.
& so, we write.
Watch us move above the fog
Like a promontory at dusk.
Shall this leave us bitter?
Or better?”

I’ve been thinking about these words this week. Often when we are too close to something — when we are in the midst of its chaos and turmoil and madness — it becomes hard to decipher its context and we struggle to find perspective until we are able to distance ourselves from the closeness of it all.

I wonder if we will look back at this time and realise there are things we could have — should have — done differently. If we will look back with a sharper awareness of the collateral damage from lockdowns and restrictions and mandates; none of which have perhaps made any difference, anyway.

This pandemic remains indecipherable — incomprehensible, even — but it won’t always. I leave my position with Writers SA with sadness, but not bitterness. We are all just doing the best we can with what we believe to be right and true in this moment.

I don’t know where to from here, but I do know that still I remain, and still I write, and so I write.

Here’s to the unknown and its endless possibilities x

Farewell 2021 — It’s Been A Year

It’s been a year.
There’s not really another way I can think to articulate how I feel about 2021. I’m glad to be leaving it behind, yet 2022 doesn’t really have that fresh hopeful shiny new year feel about it either. I feel as though this year has taken more than it has given; I’m not entirely sure next year will be any different.

I made the decision at the start of 2021 to work as a full-time writer again and once summer holidays finished, settled back into the role but was soon to find that like all things, Covid had changed the landscape of the writing and performing industry. There was less work around, more writers who had lost jobs now working as freelancers, and getting published anywhere had become increasingly difficult.

Performances I’d had lined up, both local and interstate, continued to get cancelled as everything moved online and people stayed home due to ongoing lockdowns. Despite gaining small amounts of traction here and there, I found myself frustrated and burnt out and feeling as though I was getting nowhere.

So, when a position as Limestone Coast Coordinator for Writers SA became available, I jumped at it. Leaped with arms wide open, more like it. Amazingly, I got the position and began my role there in August. While it has been quite the learning curve, I have loved the position — it honestly felt as though someone had scripted the perfect role for me — so it is with much sadness I share that my role with Writers SA will be finishing on January 13th.

The decision to end my position there has been one which has caused huge amounts of angst and grief and heartache but unfortunately with the requirement that all staff must be double vaccinated — and as someone whose health issues don’t allow for this with the current vaccines available in Australia being only mRNA vaccines — it was the decision that needed to be made.

And while I don’t want to delve too much into the political clusterfuck of a mess that our country is currently living in, I do not believe in mandatory vaccinations. I do not believe anyone should be put in a position of not being able to feed their family or pay their bills or keep their homes for wanting to choose what is best for their own health. I do not believe people should be backed into a corner where they have to choose between being forced into something they do not consent to, or lose their entire livelihoods. So as difficult as the decision was, I know it was the right one for me.

So, once again a new year stretches out before me filled with uncertainty — unemployed, a little unanchored, and wondering where this year will take me. I find myself unable to plan or commit to anything right now in the midst of this tumultuous pandemic-ridden sea we are still getting swept back and forth in. I find myself with pandemic fatigue and wanting to sleep for weeks and hope it will all just be over when I wake up. I find myself wanting to do nothing but read books and lose myself in other people and places. I find myself wanting to be in the sun; soaking warmth and light into every cell of my body to somehow feel more alive.

I find myself not without hope, but without stamina — surrendering to no longer being in control but setting sail and waiting to see where this next year will land me.

Sending much love, and one of my favourite poems (because there is always room in the world for more poems).

Happy New Year ❤️

On New Seasons, and Farewelling Five Years of Freelancing

Photo by Oliver Pacas on Unsplash

This morning I opened my computer to six half-started (or half-finished depending if you’re a glass empty or full person) articles. Some have been there days; others more like weeks heading into months.

I’ve been telling myself I just need a day to work on them. That if I could just grab some hours without interruption I’d be able to get them finished. But today, I had that. So I opened the articles. And then I closed them again.

Because here’s the honest to God truth I’ve known for a while now:

I don’t want to write articles anymore.

The first article I ever published was with Huffington Post in 2016. From there I was lucky enough to be taken under the wing of an editor who later moved to Network Ten and took me with him. In the last five years, as well as writing for Huffington Post and Network Ten, I’ve written for Sydney Morning Herald, The Age, news.com.au, Mamamia, Kidspot, Essential Kids, SA Life Magazine and numerous platforms overseas, including being one of the top writers for both Elephant Journal and Medium.

It’s work I’m proud of — work I built from the ground up, work I accomplished in the midst of raising four children, work I have poured myself into, and work that has formed much of my reputation as a writer. But it’s also work I needed to do to generate an income. Work that I know now, without any doubt, no longer brings me the joy it once did.

And it’s difficult to admit that. It’s difficult to step away from something that has formed my identity as a writer in so many ways. It’s difficult to look at the number of readers and followers I have, and to think of the amazing community I’ve built, and wonder if stepping away from that is the right call, or not.

But I’ve always believed life to be seasonal — that things come into our life and serve us for a season before we move onto the next thing. Being able to freelance for the last five years has been a wonderful blessing for me, but has also left me with little time and energy to work on the more creative/artistic projects I’ve been wanting to explore that have patiently remained in my peripheral for the right time to be pursued.

My new role with Writers SA has provided me with two (among many other) invaluable things. Firstly, a regular income. Secondly, it has reminded me how passionate I am about being a creative artist and keeping the creative arts alive and flourishing in our society — now, more than ever.

What I want is to write poetry that speaks of the human condition and its response to our society. I want to write spoken word poems again; to explore the richness and beauty and heartache of what it means to be alive and have the opportunity to perform them across the country (when the world allows for that to happen again) and meet and share words with other wonderful creative humans. I want to tell stories, to lose myself in the glorious world of fiction. To write the book(s) that have been on my heart forever that have begged to find their home on the page.

None of these things will pay the bills, which is precisely why they have been pushed aside for so long. But now I have a job I absolutely love which also provides me with an income, so nothing I write anymore HAS to make money. It only has to bring me joy and fulfillment, and that’s something I haven’t felt in my writing for a long time.

And it’s not that I’ll never write an article again in my life. But saying out loud that freelancing will no longer be my main focus as a writer gives me a feeling of much peace; a deep knowing in my spirit that this is right for me at this time. Because, we know. We know when we’re not living authentically. When we’re not aligned with the calling of our soul. We know when our current season has come to a close and trying to hold onto something that no longer serves us will only ever be detrimental to not just who we are now, but also who we are yet to become, if we but have the courage to walk the untrodden path before us.

Thank you to everyone who has read my articles over the last five years and responded and encouraged me, I can’t tell you how thankful I am. I’m not going anywhere and will still be here but just in a somewhat different capacity — still sharing words but less articles and more wherever the creative breeze blows me on any given day. No doubt I’ll still throw in a good rant here and there because, you know, it’s me.

But for now, I’m going to take all the pressure and expectation of the last five years off myself. I’m going to remember that I do not need to be seen to be producing to call myself a writer. I’m going to remember that I do not need to be paid for my work to call myself a writer. I’m going to remember I do not need to show up on social media to justify myself as a writer.

The only person I need to show up for is myself.

It’s a little scary. But mostly, I am so excited to be stepping into this new unknown.

Much love,

K x

PS — If you haven’t already done so and would like to keep in touch, sign up to my newsletter here as this blog will soon begin to self-destruct. Kidding. But this page WILL be expiring soon so I’d really love you to sign up and stay connected.

Subscribe To My Newsletter (Or Don’t — Either Way)

Hey all!

Just a quick post to let you know I’ve got some big changes coming up soon that — while are wonderful and I’m so excited — are going to leave me stretched a little thinner, so I’m spending this wintery week (and the remainder of time in lockdown) working on how to better organise my time and streamline my life and work/writing — starting with setting up a newsletter of my latest articles and updates delivered straight to your email!

Hopefully this will help keep things all in the one place, but also allows for those who aren’t on social media (or who are choosing to spend less time on social media at the moment, such as myself) to still be able to easily connect with my work. I’m not sure yet whether it will replace this blog on my website, but there’s a really good chance that’s the likely outcome as I feel I’m just simply trying to maintain too many social media/website pages and not doing any of it well lately.

I’m unlikely to be one of those people who send you a regular email every Tuesday afternoon at 4pm because I’m kind of like that pen pal who always intends to write but somehow keeps getting sidetracked but I’ll be doing my best to drop into your inbox as semi-regularly as possible, so I’d really love you to sign up. If you’d like. No pressure. I’m cool with you choosing not to. In fact, it’s a really good time to bail if you decide you’d prefer to end our relationship now. Totally up to you.

However, if you’re keen to stay in touch just subscribe to my newsletter at the link below and thanks for being a continued part of my community, I truly value each and every one of you who have joined me on this journey x

Subscribe to my newsletter here

On Grief, Regret And Grace

My cat died this week.

Technically he wasn’t my cat but was a gift to my eldest son on his 6th birthday. My son is now nearly 20, so the cat has been part of our family for a significant amount of time. He was by no means my favourite cat — he was, in fact, kind of annoying most of the time — regardless, I was fond of him and as he became more frail and unwell in the last few weeks I took it upon myself to care for him as best I could and make sure he had all he needed.

As his death became imminent it seemed especially important that he knew he was loved. Each day that came and went I expected would be his last, so I made sure he was adorned with lots of pats and told what a good cat he was and how much we loved and appreciated him as part of our family.

I assumed he would pass peacefully by the fire with his family close by so was absolutely distraught to find one cold morning that he’d passed outside in the garage, alone. It wasn’t his death I grieved — he’d had a pretty good wicket for a cat — it was that I wasn’t there; that I didn’t get to tell him one more time he was loved and say goodbye and just be there with him when he left this earth.

Did he know even though he was annoying I really actually didn’t mind having him around? Did he know he was loved? Did he know he was a welcome part of our family? Did he know we were going to miss him? I mean, he was a cat for god’s sake. Yet still, the thought of him dying alone shattered me; the unsaid words still heavy on my chest.

It made me think of all the things we leave unsaid to the people in our lives. How we always think time is infinite. That there will always be more of it, another tomorrow. How so much of grief is interlaced with regret; how really, the two are rarely separate.

I think about how little relationship I have with my parents; with the family outside the one I have created for myself. The weight of unsaid words I hold in my body. How I’m not ready to release those words. How I want to control time and space and life and the universe and have it all unfold as I would dictate. How I want to confront such things on my time; my way.

How I may never get the chance to do so if I wait for tomorrow.

I’d like to think there’s a call to action in there somewhere. That perhaps I’d take heed of this lesson and stop assuming tomorrow is a given. That I could believe my parents did the best they could with what they knew, and find forgiveness.

But the truth is, I feel more grief for the loss of a cat than I do for the loss of relationship with my parents and maybe one day I’ll know what to do with that but right now, I don’t. And maybe that’s okay. Maybe it’s enough to just be able to admit these hard things — to say them out loud and allow ourselves grace for the parts of us that are broken; perhaps irreparably so.

Maybe it’s enough to just be able to forgive ourselves.



If you missed any of the articles I published on Medium this week, read them here:

“They’d Be Better Off Without Me” : Inside The Mind Of Depression

How A Routine Pap Smear Triggered My Complex-PTSD

Purity Culture Vs. Rape Culture: Are They Really All That Different?

An Open Letter To The One Who Nearly Broke Me, But Not Quite

I’m The Child Of An Alcoholic Parent. This Is How My Life Has Been Affected

Equinox (Poem)

How Is It Nearly June Already?!

Hello! It’s been a while since I did an actual blog post about what’s going on here, so on this gorgeous late autumn afternoon I decided to make a pot of tea, soak up the sunshine and do just that.

As we reach the halfway point of 2021 I’m faced with the reality that I have not achieved even half of what I had hoped to this year. In fact, more days than not lately I’m not really sure I’ve achieved anything, except to say I survived it.

I try to remind myself that’s enough. That I have four teenagers under my roof who all have their own things going on; that some — most — days supporting them requires every shred of my physical and emotional capabilities. That my primary job is still (always has been, always will be) raising them to be good people and functional adults in the world, and this season of full-time parenting will soon pass.

I try to remind myself that we are still in a pandemic and it’s okay to feel tired and less productive. That I was suffering total burnout at the start of this year and specifically took on less work to prioritise my health. That I am still in a time of healing; that it’s okay to just be and not have to do. Yet the Type A perfectionist in me rebels against all of this and I continue to struggle to not define my worth by what I do or don’t achieve each day, despite knowing better. It’s a slow learn but still, I persist.

Like many journalists and freelancers I lost the vast majority of my work with Covid, specifically the regular op-ed writing I was doing for Network Ten’s now-axed website, 10 Daily. Finding work at this time hasn’t been easy and I was starting to wonder if it was me (hello, imposter syndrome), but was comforted to listen to this fabulous podcast with Ginger Gorman on how the journalism and freelance industry is in crisis, with over 1000 journalists losing their jobs last year alone, and how difficult (almost impossible) it has become to get published in the industry at this time with many platforms forced to fold with funding/advertising/budget cuts. As it turns out it’s not just me, for whatever small relief that’s worth.

It’s been difficult to stay motivated and keep pitching articles amidst a sea of ongoing rejections but then I was under no illusion that it was an easy industry at the best of times. However, as hard as it is, freelancing is still the work I’m most qualified for, best suited to, and being self-employed allows me to be home with my family and work the hours that work best for me, so I’m still here.

I think too, I’ve found myself struggling to write lately because the industry has become harder and so I find myself trying too hard to write and overthinking everything and being paralysed by perfectionism and then feeling inadequate knowing how narrow the publishing window has become and feeling that nothing I write will ever be good enough. I know I need to just get over myself and write but this is always easier said than done for creative thinkers.

In the meantime I’ve been writing on a more personal front as time and energy allows. I rekindled my platform over at Elephant Journal who I regularly wrote for before I started writing for Network Ten. However, I found it was a different platform than when I left; one which no longer aligns with my personal integrity, so I made the decision to no longer continue writing for them.

Since then, and with some writer peeps recommending Medium, I’ve taken the plunge and joined numerous publications over there where I’ll be publishing personal essays and poems, such as these published last week:

“They’d Be Better Off Without Me” : Inside The Mind Of Depression

To The Lost Woman Trying To Find Her Way Home: Navigating The Journey Back To Ourselves

Poem: In The Humidity Of This Awakening

I’d love you to follow me over there, you can find my Medium profile here.

On the poetry front, I have some interstate spoken word features booked for later in the year but I’m reluctant to get my hopes up with Covid lockdowns still proving to be a regular disruption to scheduled plans, so we’ll see how the year plays out. Slam heats for the 2021 Australian Poetry Slam competition have kicked off around the country — I’m still undecided if I’ll compete this year. I chose not to last year as I struggled with the idea of competing over Zoom (my god if I never use Zoom again it will be too soon) and had hoped this year would be back to its usual real-life format but things continue to remain uncertain, so I wait.

In other news, I’ve recently finished a poetry masterclass with Mark Tredinnick which I highly recommend — you can find out more about it here — and have just started a creative non-fiction online writing workshop with Sophie Cunningham over at Kill Your Darlings because apparently I always need to be doing something. But as Einstein said, “Once you stop learning you start dying.”

I hope to still be doing, and learning, for a long time to come.

K x

To The Lost Woman Trying To Find Her Way Home

Image courtesy stocksy.com

“I understand what it means to be lost.

Lost somewhere in the middle of the woman you once were and the one you are yet to become.

To long for a wilderness that is not yours to have; to be challenged, stretched. Broken. To ache for a pilgrimage, for a holy moment that defines you. Heals you. Transforms you. To yearn to break free from the smallness of this pedestrian life; to lose yourself amongst something so much bigger than you will ever be.

To scream anger and rage to mountaintops that will embrace you with their solidness. To weep bitter tears of grief upon rivers that will carry your pain out to the ocean. To leave behind years of regret and sadness on dust-blown paths and feel yourself become lighter as each step widens the distance from you and the pain you no longer need to bear.”

To the lost woman trying to find your way home – my latest over at PS I Love You, recommended by the editors to be featured to readers across Medium’s homepage, app, and emails. Read more at the link below x

https://psiloveyou.xyz/to-the-lost-woman-trying-to-find-her-way-home-17f3ca32b763

10 Ways To Better Love the Avoidant-Attachment In Your Life

My name is Kathy and I’m an Avoidant-Attachment.

Recently I was asked to write a poem on the theme: A Brief History Of Belonging.

I’m always up for a challenging prompt, but this one I particularly struggled with. Obviously, the prompt was open to interpretation and could have been steered in a myriad of different directions, except, I kept getting stuck on my own history of belonging — or more to the point, lack thereof.

Belonging, to me, is a warm word—one I associate with connection and bonding and nurturing and being grounded in love. It is a word I have grieved as long as I can recall—a word I have wanted to own for myself but one which I did not experience in an upbringing rooted in dysfunction.

As I thought more about the prompt, I considered the foundation of belonging, which led me to attachment theory — the theory that humans are born with a need to form a close emotional bond with a caregiver. How the caregiver responds to the infant’s need for emotional connection in their formative years will determine their attachment style later in life.

In other words, those of us who formed no emotional connection with a caregiver as children are going to have a f*cking hard time forming emotional connections in our relationships as adults.

According to psychology, there are four main categories of attachment styles: secure, anxious, fearful, and avoidant.

Secure attachments are more likely to have stable and harmonious relationships, anxious attachments are likely to be worried and preoccupied about their relationships, Avoidant-Attachments are likely to need a lot of space and independence, while fearful attachments are a combination of anxious and avoidants — insecure in relationships but also able to distance themselves easily if they feel threatened or uncertain.

It makes sense that I’m an Avoidant-Attachment. Whatever close emotional bonds are supposed to happen in those early years of life did not happen for me. I learned quickly to not have needs, not have emotions, to not trust or depend on anyone but myself. And though a significant amount of un-learning of these things has occurred (thanks to an even more significant amount of therapy), I have come to accept I will likely always carry some characteristics of an Avoidant-Attachment.

As the attachment style cast in the most negative light, it’s not an easy one to own. We are the commitment phobes. The ice queens. The ones who play it cool. The treat-em-mean-and-keep-em-keen’ers. Yet most people don’t realise Avoidant-Attachments desire love, affection, and relationship as much as anybody. We actually make fantastic partners, if we have a partner who is willing to understand, honour, and respect our needs and meet us where we’re at.

If you are struggling in relationship with this attachment style, I’ve written a list of things that may help you better understand and love the Avoidant-Attachment in your life, read more over at Elephant Journal and don’t forget to give the article a heart if you like it x