This Was My First Week Back As A Freelancer. I Achieved Nothing.

This week was my first proper week back as a self-employed, working from home writer/freelancer.

I achieved almost nothing.

Past me would have struggled so much with this; with feeling inadequate and ashamed of my lack of achievement. With feeling like a complete failure. I used to base my entire worth on what I did or didn’t accomplish each day. Would never stop until everything was done, no matter how exhausted I was. I was a slave to perfectionism and if things weren’t done perfectly, they weren’t good enough.

*I* wasn’t good enough.

So much of that thinking was steeped in shame. I truly believed I wasn’t a worthy person because of what I had been through and the trauma I had suffered.I believed it made me someone who was “less than”, and it was only a matter of time before everyone else discovered this too – and that maybe, if I could just keep up the facade of being perfect and productive long enough, no one would ever find out the truth about me.

There were people in my life at that time who made me feel this way about myself, but mostly it was a belief system I had internalised – one that cultivated in self-destruction before I was finally able to get beyond my internalised shame enough to get help to work through these false beliefs and discover my worthiness. A worthiness that I do not have to fight for, or work for, or prove.

I am worthy simply because I exist.

This week there has been moments of frustration and struggle and a resurfacing of some of these old feelings. Working for yourself can be challenging in many ways, and I will always find it hard on the weeks my reality doesn’t live up to my expectation.

But working for myself also allows me the opportunity to recognise my limitations. To accept I’m feeling tired, restless, unanchored, not quite ready to settle into a work schedule after such a hectic summer and life in general remaining in a state of unrest. To take whatever time I need. To listen to my mind and body and honour my needs.

To know that no matter what gets done, or how much is left undone, I am always enough x

2 thoughts on “This Was My First Week Back As A Freelancer. I Achieved Nothing.

  1. Loved reading this last post of yours ❣️ Such truth!
    Such growth 🙂 Blessings to you sweet girl
    as you move forward 🙏

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