What Our Boys Aren’t Being Taught, But Desperately Need To Know

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“Tell me what happens the first time you see a woman naked.”
“The first time you see a woman naked will not be like you imagined. There will be no love, no trust, no intimacy. You won’t even be in the same room as her.
You won’t get to smile as she undresses you and you undress her. You won’t get to calm her nerves with nerves of your own. You won’t get to kiss her, feeling her lips and the edge of her tongue. You won’t get to brush your fingers over the lace of her bra or count her ribs or feel her heartbeat.
The first time you see a woman naked you will be sitting in front of a computer screen watching someone play at intimacy and perform at sex. She will contort her body to please everyone in the room but her. You will watch this woman who is not a woman, pixelated and filtered and customized. She will come ready-made, like an order at a restaurant. The man on the screen will be bigger than you, rougher than you. He will teach you how to talk to her. He will teach you where to put your hands and he will teach you what you’re supposed to like. He will teach you to take what is yours.
You must unlearn this. You must unlearn this twisted sense of love. You must unlearn the definition of pleasure and intimacy you are being taught. Kill this idea of love, this idea of entitlement, this way of scarring one another.” 
~ Author Unknown.

 Martin Luther King Jr. once said that our lives begin to end the moment we become silent about things that matter. And yet, somehow the issues that matter are the ones in which we remain the most silent. Because we fear repercussion. We fear rejection. We fear shame. And because we’ve been led to believe we do not hold the power to make a difference. We feel small, afraid, and believe we are unworthy to have our voice heard.

But our voices are powerful beyond measure. Our voices carry the weight of change. And we must learn to use them, courageously, fearlessly, for the things that matter. We must allow ourselves to be affected by the ugliness in this world that corrupts the hearts and minds of our children. We must allow ourselves to feel anger, injustice, outrage, appall. We must feel it until it burns so fiercely into our hearts that we can no longer remain silent.

For many years, I was shamed into silence. Over many things. But mostly over the man who hurt me through the entirety of my childhood. The man who always had a pile of Playboy magazines next to his bed, and R-rated movies next to his television. The man I was forced to endured years of suffering and hell from, because he had an addiction to pornography.

Our boys are being taught that pornography is normal. That it’s a healthy exploration of their sexuality. That it’s their rite of passage into manhood. Or worse yet, that it makes them more of a man for viewing it.

But this is what they’re not being taught about pornography, but desperately need to know.

They need to know that what they see on the screen isn’t always sex, but often violence, abuse, and rape. While not always the case, some of the women they see are victims of human sex trafficking. Our boys aren’t being taught of the women who are lured in by the promise of modeling contracts only to be kidnapped and raped, the footage later sold to pornography businesses for use on the web. They aren’t being taught of the cases such as the one in Missouri where a mentally handicapped girl was beaten, whipped, suffocated, electrocuted, mutilated, choked before being forced to partake in pornography. Her photo was then used on the front cover of a famous porn publication.1

They need to know the association between pornography, child sex slavery and pedophilia. Child pornography is a $3 billion industry, with over 100, 000 websites offering child pornography. 800,000 people go missing each year – that’s 2,185 per day. 50% are children, 80% are women and girls, and it’s estimated that the international sex trade is exploiting one million children each year.2 Many of these children are filmed being raped and abused, the footage being sold for use on what’s known as the “Dark Web” or “Deep Web” corner of the net. One example is a community of 90,000 registered users on a website called 7axxn, dedicated to child pornography. Worse still is a moderator on this site who admits to raping her own children and posting the videos for the community to watch.3 Many of these websites are owned and operated by the same people who create “normal” pornography sites. Which means every click on these “normal” sites is unwittingly funding the child pornography industry, child sex slavery, human trafficking and pedophilia.

They need to know that long-term pornography exposure, like any long-term addiction, changes the structure and function of the brain. The effects are the same as drug use, where the brain soon begins to tolerate the level of stimulation and demands a higher dose in order to achieve the same level of pleasure. Enough is never enough.4 “Men interviewed reported that after many hours looking at porn, they found themselves willing to look at things they would have previously found disturbing, including bestiality, group sex, hard-core s&m, genital torture and child pornography”5

They need to know that pornography portrays a distorted image of sex, where women are nothing more than objects to be dominated and controlled for their pleasure. There is no love, no connection, no intimacy, no commitment. There is no mutual enjoyment, tenderness, protection or security. Sex becomes about selfishness; about immediate gratification, completely disconnected from reality. Long-term exposure can change the perception of healthy, mutually consenting sex, which will destroy any chance of a loving relationship in the future.6

They need to know that the majority of women’s bodies do not look like the women on the screen. Men who have had long-term exposure to porn report decreased attraction to their partner, inability to be aroused by their partner, erectile dysfunction and ongoing dissatisfaction with their partner’s looks, sexuality and sexual experiences. And this can be as early as in their twenties. 7

They need to know that not every guy does it. There is no denying men are wired to want sex. But that doesn’t mean every man looks at porn. There are men out there smart enough to know the danger of addiction, the way it will ruin their relationships, destroy their sex life, and which it is connected to child slavery and human trafficking. There are men out there who have the ability to control themselves and who have taken a stand against pornography. They have chosen to hold women in the utmost highest respect and not degrade them through assault, rape, and abuse for their own pleasure. The rampage of porn in our society is destroying our young men, and it is our job as parents to take control and grow them into men of integrity.

Porn is no substitute for love and relationship, and by telling our boys that it’s normal and okay, we are denying them the ability to have true intimacy with a woman in a mutually enjoyed sexual relationship. It is our job to teach our sons the beauty of relationship, of intimacy, tenderness and connection. To teach them how to respect, value and cherish a woman. To teach them how to laugh with a woman, cry with her, protect her, comfort her, nurture her, make her feel safe, and above all else, to fall in love with her naked soul first, so that her naked body will always be enough for him.

Let’s educate our children about sex. Absolutely. But let’s educate them with the truth of pornography. Let’s use the power of our voices. Because then, and only then, can we overpower the lies that society would have us believe. Lies that are slowly destroying our boys, our sons and the future men of our society.

It starts with us.

not interested

  1. Porn’s Dirty Little Secret – fightthenewdrug.org
  2. trafficking.org
  3. 5 Things I Learned Infiltrating Deep Web Child Molesters – cracked.com
  4. Effects of Porn on Adolescent Boys – psychologytoday.com
  5. Pamela Paul, “From Pornography to Porno to Porn: How Porn Became the Norm”
  6. How Pornography Harms Children – protectkids.com
  7. Porn Induced Sexual Dysfunction – www.yourbrainonporn.com

13 thoughts on “What Our Boys Aren’t Being Taught, But Desperately Need To Know

  1. A powerful and important reflection that all parents need to know about and be brave enough to talk about.

    Having both a son and a daughter – both of whom are under 10 – I fret at the knowledge that online pornography is so pervasive as to be almost unavoidable. I know that it is going to cross their notice at some point and I just want them to know that it is not representative of what intimacy and sex is – nor should be. How to have that conversation with them. How to encourage them to respect and value intimacy…these are concepts that are so important.

    Thank you for this puece Kathy.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Kathy I admire your passion and fight regarding such issues. However being academically attuned to such a topic I would like to encourage you to reference your material more for the sake of making your writing more than a persons rant. Referencing is important for credibility. There are multiple aspects of this theme that could be developed further and some that has not been touched on. However in saying that I encourage you in your quest.

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    1. I don’t write to be academic, my interest lies with the heart and not the head. I write from personal experience and my own truth, with the understanding that this is not everybody’s truth. And I’m more than okay with that 🙂

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      1. And that is all ok.
        Our experience taints what we perceive.
        But hopefully our experience doesn’t cut us off fro further learning and reflecting.

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    2. I completely agree with you, Greg. The information in this article is completely untrue of the mainstream pornography industry. I have spoken to thousands of adult film actresses spanning a 15 year career and I can personally attest to the fact that they are not being forced by some off-camera loaded gun. Most consider shooting a porn scene an easy way for an attractive girl to make rent money in a few hours.

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      1. Rena I would like to have a chat re you interviews chats etc.. I have completed two Masters this last year in around the theme of adolescent sexuality/development. If my email doesnt come thru ask Kathy for it. My email greghhawkins@me.com

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  3. I jumped in ready to celebrate and share your article, as I agree that there must be a bigger conversation regarding the effects pornography exposure has on developing teenagers; however, I leave disappointed because you have written just another fluff piece spouting RIDICULOUSLY inaccurate information calling them “stats” about the pornography industry. A bigger conversation cannot be had when you are not willing or able to do the proper research and obtain real facts before publishing. I usually enjoy your articles but this one belongs on the front page of a conservative christian website.

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    1. Thanks for your feedback Dena. If you’d like to look at some of the websites I have listed, you will find information to where I obtained my research. Otherwise, I’m more than happy to accept that everyone will have different views on such a sensitive topic based on life experience, and your truth will be vastly different from my truth. And that’s how the world rolls, so it’s all good.

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      1. The stats you included are very untrue, not “your truth” versus “my truth” but “your truth” versus the “real truth”. I have worked in the adult and escorting space for more than 15 years in multiple research positions. You can’t read a few anti-porn websites and assume you have all the information. Did you attend any adult industry conventions? Did you speak with escorts or porn models directly during your research for this piece? It’s all good and well to write an opinion piece and present it as such, but the writing style here presents as factual and informative which it definitely is not. I think this cause would be much better served with honesty, transparency, and data-driven conversations… but then I suppose that’s just MY opinion. (I am: woman, mother, wife, writer, internet marketer, expat, data-obsessed Aquarian).

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      2. I appreciate what you’re saying, and I value your opinion – you are obviously well researched in this area.
        Unlike you, however, I have seen the dark side of porn. I have seen it in failed marriages, in men unable to have meaningful relationships, and in addictions so strong they have ruined people’s lives. But mostly, I have lived it from the perspective of a child who spent her childhood being abused and raped by a man who was also addicted to porn.
        You are completely entitled to disagree with my opinion, and I respect that. But I write from the filters of my own life and experience and some will relate, others won’t. I don’t have an issue with that. And by all means, being a writer, and clearly an intelligent woman, you have the ability to write from your own experiences, and that will also be your opinion, which you’d be most entitled to 🙂
        But just for the record, I’ve updated my blog with references for those data-obsessed people 😉

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